My sweet little Angel is home-for good.

For the past, oh I don't know..5-6 yrs I guess Mark & I have always known when Angel passed away we wanted to have her cremated & have her ashes returned to us. Because we rent & it just didn't feel right burying her wherever we were living at the time & then one day packing up & moving..having to leave her behind. We wouldn't have ever left her behind if she was living, so leaving her body buried in the ground just wasn't an option. 

Even if we owned our home, the ground is frozen all the way down to hell right now so that was that..

My dad made her a beautiful urn to keep her ashes in. 

I took it to the Vet Hospital yesterday, and told them I would come back later when Mark got home to pick it up. That was the first time I had been in there since "that night". Who would have thought, just walking into a vet hospital would bring up so many tears & hurt? WOW, the tears were rolling before I was inside all the way, by time I was to the counter I couldn't even talk. Thank God I had called & talked to one of the ladies before going there..Because all I could do was point & say her name. And thank God she understood what I was trying to say because she just touched my hand & said they would take care of it. 

After Mark got off work we went to bring our baby girl home. 

We walked in & there it was, sitting on the counter. They had saved some of her curls for me. And there was also a cremation/death certificate. 

I had planned on putting it in my curio so nothing happens to it. But, it just didn't feel right..She doesn't belong in a curio & she's not a cat, so she doesn't belong on a shelf. So, the only logical place to put her was where she loved being....next to my desk on the floor..right where she can see me at my desk, in the kitchen..she has her spot & that's where she'll stay until we move. I just moved her bed over, Tobi has been sleeping in it lately. 

I was hoping her fur they saved for me would still smell like her, but it doesn't. :o(

I have a pretty picture of her that I put in a frame & plan on attaching it to the front of the urn & I want to decorate it with ribbons & beads. 

Its beautiful..but nothing can be as beautiful as her. 

I still miss her..but it feels like its a little easier knowing she's home & back where she belongs..with me. 

 

Whoever said time heals all wounds?..I think they lied!

~Jan. 31st 2011~

Well its been 5 days since my sweet little Angel was forced to go to sleep, because of the decision I made. I, at the time thought I was doing the right thing for her. Because I didn't want her to ever have a day of pain. So, I thought that day was the day. 

Why? Because I took God's job in my hands & every time anyone tries to do God's job, we fuck it up. This was no exception. I can't take it back, I can't make better now. And I'll never get Angel back. Because I thought I knew what was the best for her. 

Why didn't I wait just one more day? I knew in my heart I was having doubts, I should have canceled the appointment until I was 100% sure, if there was a shadow of a doubt that I was doing the right thing. I should have trusted that God would intervene at the exact right time. He brought her to me at the exact right time to save my life. Why did I doubt that he wouldn't take her home at the right time? 

And why didn't I think of this before I made such a final decision, a decision where there is no turning back?

Do you really want to know why I think it happened the way it did? I hope you read this & learn from my mistake..If one dog/cat/any loved pet gets to live because Angel died because I made the choice too soon, then I suppose it was worth it. 

The reason/s I believe things happened this way is because God has been trying desperately to get my attention & he knew, Angel was one thing, that if she were taken from me, would get my attention & get it quick. He has my attention now & I'm listening. 

I believe without a doubt that he let this happen so that he could teach me that I need to start trusting in him again. I used to give everything to him, every problem, every worry, every concern..I would praise him for everything..good & bad. But, things happened in my life that for whatever reason, I chose to pull away from God. I was pissed off at him. And I didn't have a problem letting him know that. Because after all, it was his fault I was so mad & he should be telling me he's sorry. So, until he does, I had no intention on giving praise or doing any of the things he wanted me to do. Pfft, its my life, I'll do what I want with it. I'm not going to break laws just to prove my point..But I'm surely not going to put him first in all things anymore. 

Well, that way of thinking got me here, it got me in a place that I would give anything to get out of. And I guess I did, I gave him Angel. But he has my attention again. He has me, again. 

2 Nights after having Angel put to sleep..2 days of feeling nothing but guilt & just wanting to curl up in a ball & die...God told me that was enough. He told me this:

Yes, you made the wrong choice, but you have felt enough guilt & you need to move on from it. But you need to learn from this also. 

You should have trusted me to bring her home when it was her time. I love Angel as much as you do, I put her with you at the perfect time when you needed her. I would have brought her home at the perfect time. I would not have let her feel pain. She was made to be with you. Angel is home now, she forgives you, she loves you. I forgive you & I love you. But you need to learn from this, so her whole life & her death was not all in vain. From this moment on, trust in me in all things. Give me all your problems, all of your worries..I will take care of them all when the time is right. Learn Patience. 

So, after hearing these words in my head & in my heart, you would think I would have cried, knowing that I have just been told that "yes you did make the wrong choice". But I didn't cry. Matter of fact, I almost felt like a huge burden or something had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt almost a huge relief because now I didn't have to keep wondering if I did the right thing or wrong thing. 

Today, I still feel some guilt, but its nothing like it was leading up to today...The pain of not having my sweet Angel here is almost to much that I don't want to make it to tomorrow. If God would choose to take me in my sleep tonight, I'd be ok with that choice. But I won't do anything to make that happen..Angel saved me for a reason, so I have to continue until its God's choice to take me. 

I suppose Angel had to die so that I would realize that I have not been living my life in a way that was going to get me to Heaven. And if I don't get to go to Heaven, I don't get to see any of my loved ones ever again, including my Angel. 

I'm not saying I don't think Angel was living her last days..but who am I to make that decision? Why did I think it was ok to play God? 

It wasn't ok. 

The choice was a bad a one, if I had waited, its possible God would have told me in a day or two, now is the time..But I wouldn't have heard him because he didn't have my attention yet. 

Is this making sense? Sometimes I start talking/typing in circles & I do repeat myself..I'll say the same things over & over but in a different way..So I apologize now. 

My pain of losing Angel is still there, but its getting a little easier to think about her without crying every time. Every time I cry, I feel like I ripped the scab off my heart & I have to start heeling all over again. Some people think crying is healing..I'm the opposite. I think crying is prolonging the healing process..and the longer I can go without crying the better. That's just me though, you may find crying helps you feel better & that's great. We all deal with things differently. 

I don't know if time is going to make things easier..right now I think whoever said that lied, either that or it just hasn't been long enough..I don't know..I just know that 5 days later, I'm hurting & I hurt a lot. I feel like I deserve all the pain I feel. Trying to get past the pain is something I'm not sure I should be able to do. I killed my dog for God's sake..why should I ever get over it? 

I will continue to work on my relationship with God..I do want to go to Heaven to see everyone again...To hold Angel again & tell her again I am so sorry that I chose to put an end to our time together. I am also going to do things differently with the pets we have now..I get to go through this 10 more times! I'm not looking forward to that at all. But it is part of life. I will have to face it. But hopefully that's many years down the road. Until then..I will give each & every one of them all the love I can. I will spend more time doing things they enjoy..taking them places...Angel never went anywhere..she was just the type of dog that just liked laying around, doing nothing. Which was part of her personality that made me love her so much. She wasn't ever a 'needy' type of dog. She just wanted to be around me. As long as she saw me, she was fine. 

Little is different..she is 'needy' and I'm here for her. She will go places with me...Charlie too. I don't want to have the same regrets with these guys as I do with Angel. 

Everything I did wrong in Angel's life & death I am choosing to learn from. So she didn't have to die for no reason. 

I hope that someday I will be able to know for sure that she has truly forgiven me & that she does still love me. I have no doubt that she loved me while she was living..but did she stop when she realized I chose to put her to sleep? 

Until the die I die, that special little white, curly haired, sweet little Angel will always be a huge part of my life & who I am. I will always love her & I will love the time that we got to spend together..When you hear Life is to short..Believe it! Do something about it! Start spending more time with the people you love. Less time with the things you don't like..Less time with the things or people that bring you down. Less time with things or people that hurt you (mentally &/or physically). Life is definitely to short to spend even 1 day with the negative things. That 1 day could very well be your last..You just never know. 

Never say things you would regret if you never got to speak with that person again. There is no shame in apologizing for something you are sorry for. 

I just hope my pain & Angel's death will help someone else. 

Don't try & do God's job. He's always got things under control..even if we think he doesn't. He won't do anything we can't get through. 

Just trust him!

Forever & Ever Angel!

Now, the reason for the start of my blog...but its not the end

January 26, 2011

Today is one day I never thought would happen to me. 

Angel, my sweet Angel will be put to sleep this evening...3 1/2 hours from now actually. 

We've had her for 12+ yrs now. She's given us the best 12 yrs. She's loved me more than any other dog has ever loved me. 

She also saved my life. 

I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for Angel. 

12 Yrs ago, Mark & I were having problems. We were separated. I thought my life was over & I wanted it over to be honest. My kids were out for the night, Mark had moved out. I was home alone. Crying, contemplating how I was going to end my life. I started yelling at God about my life sucks, I hate it & I wanted out of it. And by God if he couldn't give me one reason to stay then I was going to do it. There wasn't anyway I was going to see tomorrow. I was determined. 

After telling God he had just minutes to give me one good reason to not end me life..not even 5 minutes later I hear this dog barking at my back door..I opened the door..saw a little white dog that was a matted up mess. I slammed the door in her face & continued on with my pity party. 

The dog didn't quit. She barked again. I opened the door..yelled.."You don't live here"..shut the door again. She barked again..this time louder. I opened the door..this time I opened the screen door to go out & chase her away. She wasn't having that..she ran inside before I could get outside..she went straight under my desk..laid down..looked up at me as if she were saying.."Its about time". 

I sat on the floor by her..this poor dog was so matted..covered with weeds, sticks, grass..I could tell she had been in the wood for sometime. She was starving on top of being a mess. 

So, she was the reason for me to stay in this crappy life....but its MY crappy life. 

Angel, from that moment on was by my side. She always knew when I was having a bad pain day..she knew when my blood sugar was dropping...She was sent to me from God as my sign that I am needed..I am wanted..I am loved. And to show me that there are others that need me as much as I need them. 

Angel has showed me so much love I just could never begin to explain it. 

But, her job is finished & its time for me to send her back to God. Her real owner. He let me borrow her for 12 yrs. But my time is over...I KNOW he is going to be sending her to someone else that needs her as much as I did that night. 

I hope whoever gets her next realizes how lucky they are to have her as a part of their life..I know, I am so lucky. I can never repay her for all she has given me. She kept me going when I wanted to quit. She made me rest when I needed to rest. She listened to me cry when I didn't want anyone else to know I was crying. She has been my very best friend...But so much more. I will NEVER, as long as I live forget her. Even if I tried, I couldn't..because there is & will always be a huge hole in my heart that only she can fill. 

I have all these other pets, that I love..don't get me wrong. And I believe Angel has taught Little a few things to help me after Angel is gone. God I hope so because I am about to do the hardest thing in my entire life. 

Am I making this decision to soon? Am I doing it to late? I don't know what the right answer is..I just know, Angel deserves so much more than this..But she doesn't deserve to live how she's been living. 

She's almost entirely blind..she can't hear..she's stares at the walls for the longest time..She bumps into the walls...She looks lost, she has been losing control of her bowels...It breaks my heart seeing her this way..I want her to go with dignity. Which is why I chose today, why wait for her to get so bad that she is in pain? Why wait until she doesn't recognize my smell? 

I don't want to regret anything...So, I'm praying that God will be there to take Angel back where she came from. 

This will be the end of this chapter of my life..What a short chapter it was too. 

I love you my sweet Angel. Rest in Peace & know that you did your well job well..I will ALWAYS love you & I will ALWAYS remember you. Nothing can or will ever replace you. Just because your not physically here anymore...doesn't mean your not here.

I won't say good-bye..because I will see you again..But you're going to be young again..your going to be happy, alert & all the things your just not anymore. 

I love you so much..that's the part that hurts. 

((((ANGEL)))

2011 sure is off to a crappy start.

I can't think of a better time to start "blogging" than today.

January 26, 2011 

This is the first time I have ever "blogged". I've thought about it before. But never took the plunge. But, today is a tough day. A day full of changes. A day that I will never be able to forget. A day that is going to change me & my life forever. So, before it happens I thought I would put my words & my thoughts down here..so they will also be forever. 

Let me start by introducing myself & giving you a little information about me...Who knows, you may read about me & decide this isn't the blog for you. Because I'm going to tell you right now, I'm not famous, I have never done anything that cured a life threatening disease, I've never done anything that made the news...not that I'm aware of anyway. But, I do have dreams, I haven't always loved my life-matter of fact, I've tried "quitting" my life a time or two in the past. I have learned to like who I am & I am growing into a person that I do respect & I think I could learn to love. And if you choose to, you can be a part of that journey.

~About Me & My Family~

My name is Lori. I turned 45 this past December 2010. I'm happily married to Mark. I have 2 grown kids...Sarah & Danny. Sarah has given me 2 grandchildren-Riley & Bret. Danny has given me an awesome grandson Kevin.

I am very lucky to have both of my parents still living..I don't know what I would do without my Mom, she is always there for me when I need her & when I think I don't. Probably there more than she should be, because I have grown so dependent on her, I don't know what I would do without her & I have thought about this a lot...more on that some other time though. 

~About the Furry part of my life~

We have a home full of 4 legged furry babies. Which in a round about way are the reason for me starting this blog today. 

~Angel~

1st there is Angel. Angel is my guardian angel, a huge part of my life. She is a bichon/poodle mix. She showed up on our doorstep about 12 yrs ago. We're not sure of her age, but she's old. More on her later. A lot more. 

~Sadie~

Next came Sadie..Sadie is approximately 3 yrs old. A gray/silver tabby cat. She's pretty demanding & usually gets whatever she wants..Its just easier that way..on everybody. 

~Felix~

Then along Felix. Felix is actually my granddaughter, Riley's cat, but they had some things going on, Felix came to stay with us until they got things straightened out. By that time, Felix & Sadie bonded & I just couldn't stand the thought of them being separated. So, I made a deal with Riley..She loved the little 2 gallon fish tank I had set up that had a Beta & a little frog in it..So, I let her have that if she let Felix continue to live with Sadie. So, that's how he became a part of our ever growing family.

~Crystal~

Crystal was the next one to move in. Danny found her outside in the freezing cold one night while he was outside smoking a cigarette. He brought her in for the night, let her sleep in his room. I saw her in the morning & thought she was the most beautiful cat I had ever seen. Mark said "No way..No more cats..get her out right now"!. So, to save my marriage, we put her back outside. But she had other plans, she hung around & played the guilty card every chance she got. So, I talked Mark into letting her so I could look for a home for her, get her spayed would make this easier..Well, its been close to 4-5 yrs now..Still can't find this cat a home. Not sure what the problem is? What? Your supposed to put ads up? Your supposed to tell people your trying to find the cat a home? Oh..this information would have been helpful sooner. :o)

~Sophie & Tee~

 Sophie & Tee..They came to live with us at the same time after we moved to Cuba, Mo. They were a team. Total opposites. Tee is lean & mean..Sophie is, well..the complete opposite..She's more round & so sweet. Sophie has an older ladies personality..Tee was just a tiny kitten when we found her..she wasn't even a pound yet..Now, full grown she's still tiny..all of 6 lbs. But it takes 3 to give her her injections at the vet & we all walked out with blood coming from us. Don't let the size fool you!

~Tobi & Cami~

Tobi & Cami were next...And the result of a Freecycle ad I placed for a bag of clothing I was offering. Someone came to get the clothes & in exchange left me 2 very tiny kittens. Tobi could barely keep his head up he was so thin & sick..Cami was scared to death of people. I couldn't touch her. They lived on my porch for a few months. Nursing Tobi back to health & trying every day to get Cami to realize not all people are bad..she could trust at least me. There was no hope of getting either of them a home if I couldn't get her to let me handle her. One night, she decided she wanted to know what was going on on the other side of my front door. I had the screen door open, she came in..the door closed behind her & they've been here ever since. She's had the chance to leave, but has chosen she likes this side much better. 

Tobi has since grown into a round young man. Very healthy, strong & such a lover. And Cami....Wow..what a turn around. She is the most loving cat. She demands to be held, she demands attention. She gives real hugs. These two are also here because I am supposed to be looking for permanent homes for them..oops. I guess I should just admit it..Crystal, Tobi & Cami..well their homes are here..I could never send them anywhere. I know Mark knew that deep down too. Matter of fact, he's told me that Tobi & Cami are his favorites.  

~Oreo~

Oreo is also Riley's cat. We moved next door to Sarah, Riley & Bret. They found this cat walking around. Named him..He would follow them when they would come over here..Sometimes he would leave..sometimes he'd make himself at home & take a nap..stay for dinner..Then it turned into an overnight thing..then a day or two thing..then it turned into a weekly thing..Now, this is home..he doesn't even go over there anymore. He adopted us. No matter how many times they would take him home, he always ended up coming back over here. We were adopted by Oreo

~Charlie~

Charlie came to us because I wanted Corona..Sarah's pit bull. But Corona wanted to eat my cats. I tried to stop her from it, but her desire to eat the cats is just to strong. So, I posted an ad on Freecycle & was contacted by this couple in Bourbon who had rescued this dog from a mentally handicapped man that had abused the dog for a long time, until they took the dog from him. He used to dump water over Charlie's head..even if the water was frozen from sitting outside in the cold..he would then get a block of ice over his head. No reason for doing it..he just did it. 

Charlie is a 4 yr old pitbull/beagle mix. Adorable, sweetest nature. But he hates going outside in the rain or after the rain. Can't say I blame him, especially after what he went through. He's a chronic licker..he licks his feet until they bleed. When they had him neutered..he licked & well I guess chewed his danglies off...he no longer has his 'balls'. But, he's still all man to us. 

The point of getting Charlie was...he was supposed to be a trucking buddy..he was going to ride in the truck with Mark. Well, after we got home, I told Mark lets wait, give Charlie some time to get used to us..Maybe in a couple weeks you can take him. 2 weeks later I mentioned him taking Charlie..."No, I don't think so, he's to big, I don't have room in my truck". So, now Charlie is hanging out here with the rest of us.  

~Little~ 

That leaves Little. The last thing we needed was another animal of any kind. But, when I saw this little bit of nothing, I had to have her. She fit in the palm of my hand, when I picked her up, she snuggled in my arm & fell asleep...she slept all the way home. Riley got one of her litter mates...Bebe..she's living next door & does come over sometimes. They just turned 1 this past November (2010). She's been such a fun addition to our home. I can't remember life before Little. 

Ok...So there's the basic information about me & my family (the 2 legged ones & the 4 legged furry ones). 

The reason I started this blog next.