Whoever said time heals all wounds?..I think they lied!

~Jan. 31st 2011~

Well its been 5 days since my sweet little Angel was forced to go to sleep, because of the decision I made. I, at the time thought I was doing the right thing for her. Because I didn't want her to ever have a day of pain. So, I thought that day was the day. 

Why? Because I took God's job in my hands & every time anyone tries to do God's job, we fuck it up. This was no exception. I can't take it back, I can't make better now. And I'll never get Angel back. Because I thought I knew what was the best for her. 

Why didn't I wait just one more day? I knew in my heart I was having doubts, I should have canceled the appointment until I was 100% sure, if there was a shadow of a doubt that I was doing the right thing. I should have trusted that God would intervene at the exact right time. He brought her to me at the exact right time to save my life. Why did I doubt that he wouldn't take her home at the right time? 

And why didn't I think of this before I made such a final decision, a decision where there is no turning back?

Do you really want to know why I think it happened the way it did? I hope you read this & learn from my mistake..If one dog/cat/any loved pet gets to live because Angel died because I made the choice too soon, then I suppose it was worth it. 

The reason/s I believe things happened this way is because God has been trying desperately to get my attention & he knew, Angel was one thing, that if she were taken from me, would get my attention & get it quick. He has my attention now & I'm listening. 

I believe without a doubt that he let this happen so that he could teach me that I need to start trusting in him again. I used to give everything to him, every problem, every worry, every concern..I would praise him for everything..good & bad. But, things happened in my life that for whatever reason, I chose to pull away from God. I was pissed off at him. And I didn't have a problem letting him know that. Because after all, it was his fault I was so mad & he should be telling me he's sorry. So, until he does, I had no intention on giving praise or doing any of the things he wanted me to do. Pfft, its my life, I'll do what I want with it. I'm not going to break laws just to prove my point..But I'm surely not going to put him first in all things anymore. 

Well, that way of thinking got me here, it got me in a place that I would give anything to get out of. And I guess I did, I gave him Angel. But he has my attention again. He has me, again. 

2 Nights after having Angel put to sleep..2 days of feeling nothing but guilt & just wanting to curl up in a ball & die...God told me that was enough. He told me this:

Yes, you made the wrong choice, but you have felt enough guilt & you need to move on from it. But you need to learn from this also. 

You should have trusted me to bring her home when it was her time. I love Angel as much as you do, I put her with you at the perfect time when you needed her. I would have brought her home at the perfect time. I would not have let her feel pain. She was made to be with you. Angel is home now, she forgives you, she loves you. I forgive you & I love you. But you need to learn from this, so her whole life & her death was not all in vain. From this moment on, trust in me in all things. Give me all your problems, all of your worries..I will take care of them all when the time is right. Learn Patience. 

So, after hearing these words in my head & in my heart, you would think I would have cried, knowing that I have just been told that "yes you did make the wrong choice". But I didn't cry. Matter of fact, I almost felt like a huge burden or something had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt almost a huge relief because now I didn't have to keep wondering if I did the right thing or wrong thing. 

Today, I still feel some guilt, but its nothing like it was leading up to today...The pain of not having my sweet Angel here is almost to much that I don't want to make it to tomorrow. If God would choose to take me in my sleep tonight, I'd be ok with that choice. But I won't do anything to make that happen..Angel saved me for a reason, so I have to continue until its God's choice to take me. 

I suppose Angel had to die so that I would realize that I have not been living my life in a way that was going to get me to Heaven. And if I don't get to go to Heaven, I don't get to see any of my loved ones ever again, including my Angel. 

I'm not saying I don't think Angel was living her last days..but who am I to make that decision? Why did I think it was ok to play God? 

It wasn't ok. 

The choice was a bad a one, if I had waited, its possible God would have told me in a day or two, now is the time..But I wouldn't have heard him because he didn't have my attention yet. 

Is this making sense? Sometimes I start talking/typing in circles & I do repeat myself..I'll say the same things over & over but in a different way..So I apologize now. 

My pain of losing Angel is still there, but its getting a little easier to think about her without crying every time. Every time I cry, I feel like I ripped the scab off my heart & I have to start heeling all over again. Some people think crying is healing..I'm the opposite. I think crying is prolonging the healing process..and the longer I can go without crying the better. That's just me though, you may find crying helps you feel better & that's great. We all deal with things differently. 

I don't know if time is going to make things easier..right now I think whoever said that lied, either that or it just hasn't been long enough..I don't know..I just know that 5 days later, I'm hurting & I hurt a lot. I feel like I deserve all the pain I feel. Trying to get past the pain is something I'm not sure I should be able to do. I killed my dog for God's sake..why should I ever get over it? 

I will continue to work on my relationship with God..I do want to go to Heaven to see everyone again...To hold Angel again & tell her again I am so sorry that I chose to put an end to our time together. I am also going to do things differently with the pets we have now..I get to go through this 10 more times! I'm not looking forward to that at all. But it is part of life. I will have to face it. But hopefully that's many years down the road. Until then..I will give each & every one of them all the love I can. I will spend more time doing things they enjoy..taking them places...Angel never went anywhere..she was just the type of dog that just liked laying around, doing nothing. Which was part of her personality that made me love her so much. She wasn't ever a 'needy' type of dog. She just wanted to be around me. As long as she saw me, she was fine. 

Little is different..she is 'needy' and I'm here for her. She will go places with me...Charlie too. I don't want to have the same regrets with these guys as I do with Angel. 

Everything I did wrong in Angel's life & death I am choosing to learn from. So she didn't have to die for no reason. 

I hope that someday I will be able to know for sure that she has truly forgiven me & that she does still love me. I have no doubt that she loved me while she was living..but did she stop when she realized I chose to put her to sleep? 

Until the die I die, that special little white, curly haired, sweet little Angel will always be a huge part of my life & who I am. I will always love her & I will love the time that we got to spend together..When you hear Life is to short..Believe it! Do something about it! Start spending more time with the people you love. Less time with the things you don't like..Less time with the things or people that bring you down. Less time with things or people that hurt you (mentally &/or physically). Life is definitely to short to spend even 1 day with the negative things. That 1 day could very well be your last..You just never know. 

Never say things you would regret if you never got to speak with that person again. There is no shame in apologizing for something you are sorry for. 

I just hope my pain & Angel's death will help someone else. 

Don't try & do God's job. He's always got things under control..even if we think he doesn't. He won't do anything we can't get through. 

Just trust him!

Forever & Ever Angel!