Now, the reason for the start of my blog...but its not the end

January 26, 2011

Today is one day I never thought would happen to me. 

Angel, my sweet Angel will be put to sleep this evening...3 1/2 hours from now actually. 

We've had her for 12+ yrs now. She's given us the best 12 yrs. She's loved me more than any other dog has ever loved me. 

She also saved my life. 

I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for Angel. 

12 Yrs ago, Mark & I were having problems. We were separated. I thought my life was over & I wanted it over to be honest. My kids were out for the night, Mark had moved out. I was home alone. Crying, contemplating how I was going to end my life. I started yelling at God about my life sucks, I hate it & I wanted out of it. And by God if he couldn't give me one reason to stay then I was going to do it. There wasn't anyway I was going to see tomorrow. I was determined. 

After telling God he had just minutes to give me one good reason to not end me life..not even 5 minutes later I hear this dog barking at my back door..I opened the door..saw a little white dog that was a matted up mess. I slammed the door in her face & continued on with my pity party. 

The dog didn't quit. She barked again. I opened the door..yelled.."You don't live here"..shut the door again. She barked again..this time louder. I opened the door..this time I opened the screen door to go out & chase her away. She wasn't having that..she ran inside before I could get outside..she went straight under my desk..laid down..looked up at me as if she were saying.."Its about time". 

I sat on the floor by her..this poor dog was so matted..covered with weeds, sticks, grass..I could tell she had been in the wood for sometime. She was starving on top of being a mess. 

So, she was the reason for me to stay in this crappy life....but its MY crappy life. 

Angel, from that moment on was by my side. She always knew when I was having a bad pain day..she knew when my blood sugar was dropping...She was sent to me from God as my sign that I am needed..I am wanted..I am loved. And to show me that there are others that need me as much as I need them. 

Angel has showed me so much love I just could never begin to explain it. 

But, her job is finished & its time for me to send her back to God. Her real owner. He let me borrow her for 12 yrs. But my time is over...I KNOW he is going to be sending her to someone else that needs her as much as I did that night. 

I hope whoever gets her next realizes how lucky they are to have her as a part of their life..I know, I am so lucky. I can never repay her for all she has given me. She kept me going when I wanted to quit. She made me rest when I needed to rest. She listened to me cry when I didn't want anyone else to know I was crying. She has been my very best friend...But so much more. I will NEVER, as long as I live forget her. Even if I tried, I couldn't..because there is & will always be a huge hole in my heart that only she can fill. 

I have all these other pets, that I love..don't get me wrong. And I believe Angel has taught Little a few things to help me after Angel is gone. God I hope so because I am about to do the hardest thing in my entire life. 

Am I making this decision to soon? Am I doing it to late? I don't know what the right answer is..I just know, Angel deserves so much more than this..But she doesn't deserve to live how she's been living. 

She's almost entirely blind..she can't hear..she's stares at the walls for the longest time..She bumps into the walls...She looks lost, she has been losing control of her bowels...It breaks my heart seeing her this way..I want her to go with dignity. Which is why I chose today, why wait for her to get so bad that she is in pain? Why wait until she doesn't recognize my smell? 

I don't want to regret anything...So, I'm praying that God will be there to take Angel back where she came from. 

This will be the end of this chapter of my life..What a short chapter it was too. 

I love you my sweet Angel. Rest in Peace & know that you did your well job well..I will ALWAYS love you & I will ALWAYS remember you. Nothing can or will ever replace you. Just because your not physically here anymore...doesn't mean your not here.

I won't say good-bye..because I will see you again..But you're going to be young again..your going to be happy, alert & all the things your just not anymore. 

I love you so much..that's the part that hurts. 

((((ANGEL)))

2011 sure is off to a crappy start.